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Bonny Albo

What Are Your Dating Red Flags?

By November 29, 2013

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While researching and talking to other dating aficionados about the newly introduced dating boot camp, I spoke with the gent who runs 100RedFlags, a dating blog that discusses "...the small things that women do that drive men away." [Note: The 100RedFlags site is not work-friendly, and uses language that may offend some readers.]

I plan on covering dating red flags in the boot camp eCourse, so of course I wanted to take a closer look. Many of the red flags already listed I agreed with, such as She Wears a Slutty Hallowe'en Costume. Seems fairly straightforward to me.

But once I looked a bit closer at the red flags listed, I started to get confused. "She Was Homeschooled," and "She's Run More Than One Marathon?" "She Carries Condoms In Her Purse," and "She's Never Smoked Pot?" Really?

I disagreed with the blog owner, and sent him a note specifically regarding the last "red flag" (not having smoked pot). Here's his response:

"...absolutely it's a red flag, and believe it or not one of the ones that we've posted/talked about to date is most commonly met with approval amongst guys. It could mean rigid views of the world, it could mean a conservative stance on societal issues. I won't belabor the issue, but maybe will just make it clear that these things are all representative of potential character and lifestyle flaws that would inhibit a healthy, successful relationship. It's quite possible one could say she's never smoked weed and yet can sit across the table on a first date and it'd never even be a thought - but without enough evidence the assumption could still be there and there may never be a date two if women aren't aware that some men may take issue with it."

In the hundreds of men I've worked with and coached with regards to their dating lives, and the thousands that have emailed me throughout the years sharing their opinions, not once have I heard any of these as issues. The ones I most commonly hear from gents focus on larger personality traits that some might find stereotypical (i.e. acting like a princess or being bossy), or frustration with what they feel is a 'bait and switch' (i.e. how you presented yourself isn't really who you are). Rachel Greenwald, who wrote the book, "Why He Didn't Call You Back: 1000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought About You After Your Date" (Buy Direct) found similar themes.

But, you tell me: what are your dating red flags? Do you agree with the ones presented here, or do you have a differing opinion?

For those of you participating in the dating boot camp, looking for today's installment, here you go: Dating Boot Camp Day One.

November 10, 2011 at 9:00 am
(1) mark says:

hahaha, never smoked pot :) that would be a red flag here in thenNetherlands :)

November 10, 2011 at 11:42 am
(2) Ava says:

I don’t know who the guy who runs that site is, or where he lives, but his red flags are ridiculous. So what if a woman runs marathons, carries condoms, or has never smoked pot? It sounds like this man is listing HIS personal petty deal-breakers, rather than real problems, like being unreliable or unstable.

November 10, 2011 at 1:39 pm
(3) Carol says:

I’m with you Ava…I too seem to believe that those three issues are his, not the men at large. And well if they are red flags to some of the guys out there, then those red flags would indicate to me that they aren’t the ones I’ll be spending my time with.

November 10, 2011 at 3:30 pm
(4) Rolf Ahlfors says:

Everything depend of course on what we are searching in a woman and what is the real goal for us in a relationship. Running marathons means health and much better than spending times drinking, smoking or in Discos where horrible high noise and smoke are forced on you! And of course smoking Pot can’t be so healthy either. But carry condoms could make a red flag for me. I can very well understand the safety mind in work, but the fact is that as Internet Dating has kill the Love in the same way the Condoms have kill the closeness in a relationship. Both are built on the platform of MANY but not on the ONLY ONE or making sex bat not making love. When love and sensitiveness is lost,it is just mechanical,we are coming robotlike. In real love making the woman show exactly all her feelings inside her self,yes,it is from the most soft and hole the way to almost like sandpaper,depending on her feelings,but I think most men can never feel it because they are just making sex. A sensitive woman can feel all these different shades of touching and it is very important for her,but the condom just kill all these feelings. THE CONDOM IS A REAL TRAP FOR WOMEN and with it they turn to making sex and make them able to change partner more easily. So for me for a woman to carry condoms can be a red flag and put me to question if she is that stable in a relationship as I want her to be and are she able to bring in the feelings and sensitiveness that the original feminine side should have. IT IS BETTER TO SPEND TIME TOGETHER FIRST AND START EVERYTHING WHEN THERE ARE MORE SERIOUSNESS IN THE RELATIONSHIP!

November 10, 2011 at 5:25 pm
(5) Jyll says:

I have never smoked pot because it stinks, it makes people’s breath and clothes stink, it causes the munchies, it’s ILLEGAL, it can cause health problems and it makes people act stupid. Many of the same reasons I don’t smoke cigarrettes. . .

November 10, 2011 at 10:29 pm
(6) Raul says:

I think you’re reading these a little too literally. Admittedly I’m not following the condoms in the purse but things like never having smoked pot or running multiple marathons is more an issue of using simple proxies to flesh out character traits. Running more than one marathon (and I’d guess that by more than one he means a bunch not 2 or 3) kinda suggests an OCD ball buster. Unless she’s a professional runner that kind of time devoted to running is strange. It’s like a dude that can play video games for 20 hours straight on a regular basis.

By the same token never having smoked pot suggests that she might be somewhat prudish and boring/unadventurous/incurious. Or as with Jyll above me it comes off as controlling know-it-all which has a high correlation with being zero fun. It’s not about smoking pot, it’s about the attitude of somebody who’s made their mind up before they’ve heard the argument.

November 17, 2011 at 1:37 pm
(7) Jess says:

So with your argument here, a woman who hasn’t smoked weed but has a valid reason other than she is just prudish or generally against it without trying it would be acceptable? I have never smoked weed for the same reason I have never smoked cigarettes-they are triggers for my asthma.

November 17, 2011 at 8:17 pm
(8) Raul says:

Exactly, it’s not a litmus test and it’s more a question of why. Medical issue, never seen it, hell don’t like the smell would all be reasonable. It’s the “OMG it kills brain cells and forces you want to watch Sponge Bob in your parents’ basement for the rest of your life” crowd that sets off alarm bells. It’s like really, do you have an ID coz it’s not really legal for me to date 12 year olds? At the point when you’re old enough to understand the idea of dating red flags you’re old enough realize that it’s bad policy to believe everything you see on TV or were told by an authority figure when you still believed in Santa Claus?

November 13, 2011 at 2:54 am
(9) Cindy says:

Hey guys who spend too much time talking about themselves, can only meet on their terms, always late and always get calls from momma or friends while on date. No call back for 2 to 3 days. All red flags, but if they smoke pot for get it, to many dead brain cells LOL!

November 17, 2011 at 6:17 pm
(10) codyj says:

WOW!, So if you’ve never smoked pot, you might be BORING?? or “UN-ADVENTUROUS’??? man, its statements like this that makes me GLAD Im not ‘part’ of that group….Ive climbed mountains,sky dived,served in a recon platoon,2 tours over..hiked and biked most of our natl parks..love to swim ,kyack ,and more..lived Europe,.debt free,and a home owner, one block from the beach….ok, no glory here, jus facts,and oh yeah, BTW..Ive NEVER used drugs in my life..no ,not ONCE..pot,pills or otherwise,and have nothing to do with those that do…yet I have tons of “like pals”….hmmmm…. go figure

November 17, 2011 at 8:00 pm
(11) Raul Again says:

Um yes you might (the operative word) be, but maybe closed-minded and/or condescending would have been a better description…

I wasn’t making a statement endorsing drug use, I was saying that most well adjusted people have done some experimentation and do not have fully formed opinions based entirely on movie cliches. And that would include your commander-in-chief assuming you’ve served under any of the last 3 administrations.

Hmmm…good luck on passing up on that invitation to the White House…I’m sure US Presidency’s got nothing on you and your pals…

November 19, 2011 at 11:06 am
(12) jon says:

Red flags….living with her mom and dad and she’s over 30 …..had a c section …means she has a kid or two letting you know she has been sexually abused when she was younger …..she don’t listen you get into arguments cause she is not understanding what you said…

December 17, 2011 at 4:06 am
(13) Guy says:

Great post Bonny. A big red flag I hear from a lot of people is when people’s actions don’t match their words as in: I really love you and you mean a lot to me while he/she goes out partying or ingnores you.

December 2, 2012 at 9:16 pm
(14) Dale Winston says:

I agree that we all have red flags and depending on whos judging some may seem more over the top then others. I say that because I’ve known people who will not date someone who doesnt smoke pot. At the same time though, I’ve known people who could care less as long as that person of intrest doesnt judge them for doing it, just depends on the individual. Same for the condoms deal, some may view it as a loose look, and some may be relieve with the fact that she practices (or seems to) safe sex. For the guy who you reached out to make what he said to be such a general, almost universal statement for most men to me seems bogus.

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