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Bonny Albo

Does He Like Me As a Friend, or More?

By May 27, 2014

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Michelle asks: I met a guy at a bar about two weeks ago. We exchanged numbers when we first met and he called me the next day to set up a double date a few days later. That went well, so we spent some time together at my place a few days after that. He then asked if I wanted to go out to lunch in a few days (which we are tomorrow). However, I'm not sure if he wants to date me or just be friends (we've kissed only once, and I was the one that made the move). He is shy and it is difficult to read him. He is a great guy and I want to date him, but how can I tell if he feels the same way? Or could I just be impatient? I've only known this guy two weeks now.

Bonny's answer: From what you've shared Michelle, I'd say that the two of you are dating already. (See The Definition of Dating for more about my take on why, and what I believe dating is today). You are spending time together to get to know one another better, and you both continue to instigate contact. Sure, you made the first move and kissed him, but what's to say he wouldn't have if you hadn't? And frankly, if someone doesn't want to kiss you, they won't.

I'd stop trying to push things further ahead then they need to be. Things sound great so far, and progressing in a way that many women wish the early stages of a relationship would. If in a week or two things haven't moved towards a discussion along these lines and you are still hanging out once or twice a week, I'd broach the subject gently, thoughtfully and playfully. "Is this a date? Because I'd like to think it is," with a twinkle in your eye might work, but let your own imagination and personality shine though. Then, let him answer at his own speed, and without pressure. If he decides the two of you aren't on the same page, you can start looking for someone else you'd like to date that suits your relationship needs.

What say you, dear readers? Do you think Michelle is being impatient? Does he like her as a friend or more?

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Comments
May 11, 2009 at 9:47 am
(1) Kieran Davey says:

Hi Bonny,

I think you’ve got most of your advice pretty spot on.

Michelle: I think the fact that he called you the next day and actually set up a ‘double date’ is a great sign. You have to see that as a postive. It is unfortunate that many of us ‘alpha males’ often wouldn’t do that. Why? Well there are quite a few different reasons. However, the wait a ‘few days’ rule is a common one for many men.

I think another thing we really need to consider is that the guy sounds quite shy. At least from what you say. He might not even see himself as ‘shy’ in his own eyes. Clearly he’s gone to some effort in setting up the double date the very next day. Following that, he has also set up lunch with you a few days later.

These are two positive moves – both have been initiated by him. I really think you can’t overlook that.

I think you should give this guy a bit more time, personally. Clearly him being a bit ‘shy’ is not a turn off for you then? it doesn’t sound like this anyway. Sounds like you have some feelings in any case.

I would see how things pan out on your next outing – probe a bit more if you like. As Bonny mentions, throw in a couple of cheeky remarks. If someone likes you, they will come out of their shell in time – sometimes best not to force the issue.

Kieran

Goodluck

May 11, 2009 at 2:20 pm
(2) CoonCatt says:

Hi Bonny ! Nice post.
Michelle, you’re right where you need
to be-Out of my last three gf’s two kissed me first.Believe me, though, I came up with the next fifty kisses! From a guy’s perspective , THE TWO hardest things in dating are:Asking her out in the first place, and, going in for the first kiss.
In my exp., as you date, chemistry will express itself, in my case that means a wild make-out session on my porch or living room couch about the second or third date.
There is never any need to rush into any intimacy-The guy is already interested in you.I will say as dating progresses, there seems to be a natural “escalation” of intimacy…
Guys are simple creatures…we really are. Unless we are trying to bs you or otherwise deceive you , we take overt to a new level.
hope that helps !(you are dating!)
CC

May 11, 2009 at 5:38 pm
(3) Tom Head says:

It’s probably too soon to know for sure whether he’s gonna be into you, but you’re definitely dating. And I’d LOVE it if more women would initiate kisses…

May 12, 2009 at 4:42 pm
(4) flirtx says:

I think the guy likes you. I’m a guy myself. If he didn’t, he would stop seeing you. I don’t think he just wants to be friends. I mean he probably has a lot of friends already. Why would he want to hang out with someone he met at a bar, if he wasn’t interested romantically? Just doesn’t make sense to me :)

June 1, 2009 at 3:48 pm
(5) lizzie says:

I think you need to give it a little more time. It SOUNDS like he likes being with you but if he’s shy, he’s taking it slowly. I like the advice about sort of putting it out there and asking, playfully.

May 25, 2011 at 11:18 pm
(6) Arby says:

She’s not being impatient. I think it’s unusual for two strangers to go out with each other even once and not communicate. Unless they’re both prudes – and nothing they do will be fun if that’s the case – then one of them should not only start talking about what he or she wants, but it should be explicit. If there’s reluctance by one person in this first date to talk about what they are offering to each other, then it would be reasonable for the other person to say “Thanks, but no thanks,” however that might be expressed. In my humble opinion.

June 1, 2011 at 6:11 pm
(7) Eros says:

I would say he is at least somewhat interested. It’s true, if a guy doesn’t want to kiss you, he will seem really reluctant to do so, especially if he is shy. Since he is shy you making the first move will let him know that you are interested in him as more than friends. He will probably be more inclined to make a move the next time. A good sign is that he wants to continue hanging out even after you guys kissed.

June 3, 2011 at 10:25 am
(8) Melissa says:

We’ve all been there where we meet someone and go out with them a few times. However, I will caution you that you need to let him initiate all dates and all forms of affection to find out what’s real. Don’t force this to happen.

When a guy is into you he will not be able to keep his lips, hands, off of you whether he’s shy or not! Don’t you want someone who is passionate from the get go? You don’t want someone who is lack luster and then has zero sex drive once you’re married. Don’t get into the bad habit of ever making excuses for a guy. What you see is what you get. You can’t change them!

Keep seeing him, but keep dating around to keep your options open. Once he shows you how he feels and asks to be exclusive, there will be no questioning on your part. Trust your instincts. Meanwhile, don’t make the mistake that most women do by putting “hope” into just one guy. It’s way too new to be worrying about anything like this yet. Just have fun, relax, date, and may the best man win!

June 6, 2011 at 9:33 pm
(9) Thomas says:

It sounds like things are moving at a wonderful pace. Don’t worry about rushing anything! There is no need to put any added pressure on your current situation by labeling yourselves as ‘exclusively dating’ or not. It sounds to me like you are having a nice time getting to know each other, and a kiss already for sure shows that he is at least mildly interested in the idea of becoming your partner.

When you say that you aren’t sure whether or not he wants to be friends or lovers you need to understand that friends is really all the further you could have progressed to at this point (only knowing him for two weeks). Before you take on the responsibility of a relationship make an effort to become friends first so at least you know you enjoy each others company enough to consider moving further into a more serious situation.

Most importantly, have fun. Enjoy each day you spend with him, be thankful you are experiencing the joy many others would ‘give-an-arm-and-a-leg’ to take part in. Let things happen naturally and make decisions based on the instinct of your conscience, since he hasn’t run off yet after your first few dates (see you are already dating :) you can rest peacefully knowing you will have happy times to come.

Have a great day and best of luck!

-Tom

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